If you’re reading this, there is a high probability there is something about you that sucks. Let’s face it…your eyes are too close together, your feet smell like Precious’ armpits after running a 5K (I mean, attempting to run a 5K and collapsing faster than you can say, “go, Precious…go!”), and you fuck so many people your dick is actually just one big chancre. But hey, don’t fret! I suck, too… and here’s why:
- I’m boring. Really, I am. I’d rather sit in my apartment all day and watch an entire series of Family Guy than sit around with a group of people seeking and offering advice to their peers (DESPITE THE VICTIMS KNOWING ALL THE ANSWERS).
- My vocabulary is absolutely awful…just awful. I remember first seeing the movie ‘The Matrix’, running over to my HP desktop, popping open Internet Explorer, and searching the word “inevitable”. To this day, I still think I’m a cool son of a bitch for using the word :::puts on Morpheus shades:::
- I’ve never taken good care of my skin, and therefore have opened a new national canyon park on my face. It’s closed now, though. Government shutdown 😦 😦 😦
Despite all of these unfortunate skid-marks God has placed upon us, there is no need to worry…no need to feel inadequate in this society of perfect, chiseled faces and skinny, puketacular bodies..no need to pick and pick and pick and pick and PICK at the ‘stupid fucking cunt ass bitch’, the man or woman who stole your crush’s heart, because they both suck, too. All of us suck. That is, we all have qualities that someone else doesn’t like. To be honest, if you don’t realize that at this point in your life, you really, REALLY suck, and should think about giving me all of your assets now, because I’m going to cut you. Deep. Some of us could give a fuck less what people think, and continue to live our lives, in the moment, without skipping a beat. Others try to diminish these qualities as much as possible in order to fit in with the rest of the world; makeup fixes the skin, money makes you exciting and smart, deodorant makes you smell like a majestic centaur (I’m guilty of this one. Old Spice, pay me).
Whatever your style, here is a list of things you can (refrain from) do(ing) to not suck more than you already do:
- DON’T TALK TOO MUCH. Seriously. If more than 70% of your conversations consist of your voice, you need to shut the fuck up. Keep up the chatter, and you’ll only have yourself with whom to speak.
- LISTEN. ACTIVELY. Get off your phone. Look into my eyes. And take your adderall. Jesus.
- READ, READ, READ. If you’re dumb and boring, this is the perfect way to not only change your perspective on something to which you are ignorant, but also gives you something to talk about. You dull sap.
- BUY SOMEONE SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Be proactive about this. I understand it’s tradition to show your love and appreciation for someone once a year by showering them with glitter and Starbucks gift cards on their birthday, but could you imagine someone’s surprise if you did it right now, and again next week, for no reason other than to say, “I care about you today, tomorrow, and always”?
- LOOK IN YOUR SIDE-VIEW MIRROR BEFORE OPENING YOUR CAR DOOR, AND USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL. I’ve been there when the door of a Lexus SUV abruptly swings into a bike lane and knocks someone into a pool of their own blood. Scariest fucking thing ever.
- MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WHEN A STRANGER YOU’RE LOOKING AT LOOKS AT YOU. This one is tough. I’ve had to train myself. It got me laid once…but besides that, it prevents you from that awkward, abrupt look-away that makes you feel like a douchebag. And who knows, you might even muster up enough confidence to say hello to who may be the love of your life.
- PLACE THE MONEY IN THEIR HAND. Mmm, that Venti Soy no-whip Mocha Frappa Gay Gay is going to be delicious. “That will be $18.43”, says the smiling, courteous Barista. You reach in your filth, Coach purse and toss each bill and coin on the counter for him or her to pick up and count, one by one. Scene. Barista cuts your fingers off for being so rude.
- “PLEASE, THANK YOU.” Please. Thank you.
- DON’T THINK WITH YOUR PRIVATE PARTS. Great sex is an amazing feeling. But not amazing enough to get wasted and have sex with a stranger, WITHOUT A GOD DAMN CONDOM. PEOPLE WHO DO THIS AND THINK IT’S OKAY BLOW MY FUCKING MIND. STRAIGHT, GAY, MAN, WOMAN, SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN. YOU’RE AN IDIOT. PROTECT YOURSELF / DON’T GIVE SOMEONE ELSE YOUR FILTH.
If any of these are on your list, too, high five. We think about the same sucky things.