You’re Straight? … Damn, You Sure Fooled Me (and Everyone Else.)

[I began writing this piece in November, 2013]

“Josh, you just want everyone to be gay.” I really, REALLY don’t want this. Honestly. 

How many times have you asked your friend, Subaru [Not] Outback, who just-so-happens to have really short hair and doesn’t shave her armpits, “are you a lesbian?”

Here’s another scenario: “So Chase, let me get this straight. You are 23, your parents and entire family are a part of the largest church organization in America, AND you’re a virgin? OH! You’re a gymnast, too?? Who is this woman at your side? Your girlfriend!! Ashley, so nice to meet you! Did you know your boyfriend WOULD SUCK MY DICK IF I WAS ALONE WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES?”

Being an IU Alumni (and having recently picked up the biography, Dr. Kinsey and the Institute for Sex Research – Wardell B. Pomeroy) , I have a soft spot in my heart for Alfred Kinsey and his idea that society lies somewhere on a sexual spectrum between 0 and 6, where 0 is the straightest motherfucker ever…Like, this guy eats pussy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…and 6 is super-dee-duper ultra fabulous bottom-bitch Ru-Paul Jack Twist gay. Anyone who aligns with numbers 1-5 on the Kinsey Scale presumably identify as either gay or straight, but their actions, thoughts, and behaviors suggest they are not exclusively one sexuality or the other. And I’m not talking about “trannies” or “queer-boys”…You ask those bitches what number they are and they’ll go on a 30 minute rant that they are NOWHERE on the Kinsey Scale because “no man-made scale could ever describe the depth of their sexuality…”(I’m being cunty on purpose). The 1-5 gays are my man friends who fuck girls, but kiss me when we say “hello”. They don’t feel uncomfortable talking about (my) gay sex in a bar full of straight men. Hell, your good friend might even give you a hand-job in your religious mother’s home the evening of Thanksgiving (unfortunately, this guy didn’t realize he was a 2 on the scale until after this handy occurred, which caused him to hide out and pretend to be a 0 and not associate with me for three years)…

The most difficult realization about coming out wasn’t my descent down society’s hierarchical ladder…nor was it the impending, inevitable disconnect from my highly religious family (homosexuality was, in fact, “a demon, of which people before have been healed”)…nor was it the lifestyle — three car garage, white picket fence, children — I would miss by being with a man instead of a woman…nor was it the acts of hatred by passersby on the street, in their cars, shooting the word “faggot” out of their dry, pussy-eating mouths like a bullet…No, it was not any of those things. These spectrum gays, as well as myself before jumping out of the closet on Xanga at age 18***, are afraid to come out because of one thing: control.

Before coming out, as early as fifth grade, people asked me if I were gay. I would always say no and come up with some elaborate excuse…deny, deny, deny. Their blunt curiosity hurt my feelings, made me feel uncomfortable, and, ultimately, pissed me the fuck off that someone who knew me for an entire five minutes assumed to know more about me than I knew of myself. Despite where you come from, we currently live in a world where being gay isn’t so bad. We [homosexuals] tend to be more action-oriented, focused on human relationships, and rich as hell ::snaps and whips hair fabulously::

I do not think people now are as terribly afraid of what the world will think of their homosexual status as they were 10 years ago. I mean jesus, I’m sitting in Starbucks wearing leather-esque leggings, and my nails, painted “Nein! Nein! Nein! OK Fine!”, are long enough for me to go head-to-head with Wolverine. Are people staring? Sure. Is it because I look fabulous and they’re jealous? Maybe, maybe not. But, I tell myself ‘yes’, because I have control of how I look, and control of how I react to a world of leering eyes. Did I carry myself in such a fashion 10 years ago? Hell no…partly because comfortability in ones skin takes time, of course…but, a large part is because the world was not as ready back then as it is today. I think these 1-5 gays are ready for the world, too. But they’re not ready to lose control of their identity. Despite your demeanor and attitude remaining the same after telling your girlfriend, “Hey! I finally realize I’m a 3 on the Kinsey Scale!”, you lose all of the credibility you had as a “straight” man. You lose control of the Straight Power. You become a “girl”. That beautiful woman standing across the bar was totally into you until she realized you once sucked a dick. Now, the only use you are to her is a personal shopping assistant. When you come out as 1-5, whether willingly, caught in the act, or even someone just assuming you are based on your mannerisms, the way you dress, etc., the world is in control of your life. How dare they? Who do they think they are having more of a grip on my reality than I do? Why shouldn’t I suppress being 1-5 when I’m so comfortable being a 0?

Why, you ask? Because the longer you wait, the more fucked up in the head you are going to be. And in the end, you’ll realize you never had control of your feelings, emotions, happiness…

…the longer you wait, the more you’ll realize the world has controlled you all along.


*** (I will have my “coming out” post up soon — Xanga doesn’t exist anymore, so retrieving my previous posts will apparently be a fight.)



One thought on “You’re Straight? … Damn, You Sure Fooled Me (and Everyone Else.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s