How many people have you fucked in the last month? In the last year? Why is it that, despite constantly bitching about your thirst for companionship, you sacrifice a warm heartbeat pulsing against your bare cheek every night for a thick, throbbing instacock or instapussy once a week? You tell yourself these urges for instant gratification are natural —you also conclude that these people who fuck you and don’t want to date you simply want the same thing as you (which is: a relationship with someone else they can’t have). You are completely correct. However, you keep forgetting to tell yourself the other truth: you can have a relationship with them, you just fucked it up the first time.
“Josh, I cannot tell you how many dates…probably a hundred, which, after it ended, I receive a text message from the guy telling me he only wants to be friends. I started seeing a therapist — I was convinced there was something wrong with me. My therapist thought I was crazy…perhaps it’s just the people who live in this area…
…After moving to an entirely new state, the problem persists.” — a friend.
Why is it that this handsome, successful, goal-oriented man with a SEX DRIVE cannot seem to get past, “check, please”? After further probing, it was clear at that moment there was something wrong: on that first date and each first date with a new human, it is imperative for him tell the guy three key things: his profession (he is quite proud…almost pretentious, regarding the company for which he works), his fluency in Spanish, and his mastery of the trombone. When I asked why he feels it is necessary to reveal this information up front, his response was, “because he needs to know who I am…and that I am amazing.” Despite the fact that I agree — he is amazing — the way in which he tries to control these strangers’ feelings and emotions automatically set him up for heartbreak.
No one should ever be afraid to talk about their strengths, passions, and interests that make them who they are. However, the insecurities caused by countless denials from people in which we’re interested causes the utmost fear of rejection; so much so that you do a number of things to sabotage yourself, including:
- Constantly wearing your headphones in public (if you can’t see or hear someone rejecting you, it isn’t happening, right?)
- Standoffishness; why say hello to the handsome Barista at the cafe when he is probably judging everything about you? (He is, in fact, because he is also damaged.)
- Speaking without confidence, discussing topics you think the other person wants to hear. Or,
- at the other end of the spectrum, speaking so highly of yourself your date thinks you’ve made up their mind for them (we all want freedom of choice! Duh, idiot.)
- Being really picky over, say, a sloppy kisser, that we ignore the strong connection…that spark we shared before the sloppy porn kiss. (You can train someone to kiss better, but hell, you’re so perfect, that they should already know what to do, right?)
“There is no world; there are only six billion understandings of it.” — Drew Dudley TEDxToronto (2010)
Do you want people to understand you..the humble ‘you’ who is afraid to die alone? Or would you rather they know the perceived you…your hard exterior…your nine to five, your material possessions, your stupid, throbbing, phallic ego? Ask the hundred people who turned you down after the first date what they wanted. You may be surprised.