Before I came out of the closet — and even more so when I came out — nothing infuriated me more than people who discussed my sexuality with others before I had even established it myself. But I get it. I completely align with and understand the curiosity and this inherent need to know someone’s sexuality. Your friend, who has kept his sexuality a secret since infancy, is essentially lying by omission. That need to know whether someone is or isn’t gay is built into all of our DNAs whether we want to accept it or not. Since this “is he or isn’t he?” tick will forever eat into our curious souls, I am here save you. Put your stress, anxiety, and curiosity to rest; I am outing the male population. Here are eight ways to determine if your guy-friend is a flaming homosexual:
He has never had a steady girlfriend.
C’mon, man. You are 26 years old. You mean to tell me that out of the 4 billion women in the world, you have yet to find a single one that fits your lifestyle? I call “hoooomoooooo”.
He’s very touchy-feely with other guys when he’s inebriated.
Alcohol tends to bring out our true feelings. It also tends to make closeted men ask you to blow them (true story).
A lot of his friends are gay.
Being accepting of everyone’s individuality is one thing. Going to Boystown every weekend is another. Steamworks much?
He doesn’t have a personal stylist, yet his fashion sense is above above-average.
Ladies, if he has more shoes than you, he’s a bottom.
He was raised in a very suppressed or uber-religious household.
Religion is the reason I was so fearful of coming out in the first place. There is something about the idea of burning in hell for all eternity that makes a man want to suppress his homosexual feelings, ya know? While most religions condemn premarital sex, here in America, with our dick-pic-sending and twerking culture, any man who does not have sex with a woman one month into dating is only turned on by the thought of dicks.
He’s a virgin.
Again, if you’re in your twenties (or god-forbid, your fucking thirties) and you STILL have yet to put your D in a V, you gay, son.
His iTunes library is full of music by Britney Spears, Beyoncé, or other female pop sensations.
You may have already walked in on him dancing in his underwear in front of the mirror to “Anaconda”.
He constantly asserts himself as heterosexual before, during, or after complimenting another male.
“Dude, I am so straight, like I fucking love eating the vagine, and boobies are great…but damn Josh, your ass looks so good in those pants I could just fuck the shit out of you right here and now.” UHM OKAY, QUEER.
If, after sharing this list with the man in question, he still will not admit to his homosexuality, check his internet history when he’s in the bathroom. I guarantee you will either find tons of gay porn, or torrents of every Bette Midler movie. Either way, he gay.